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    • CHICAGO • SEPT 17-19, 2021
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Tag: editorials

July 11, 2012
Top ten ways to tell that summer has officially arrived
By Riot Fest / Archive / editorials, summer
10) Whenever you see a runner running outside, you secretly hope they faint so that they learn a lesson. If you’re not working out, neither…
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July 10, 2012June 6, 2017
$1,000 pizza for you
By Riot Fest / Archive, Food / editorials, expensive pizza
Pizza is arguably one of the most popular foods. It could even be considered its own food group in some cities.  The toppings are endless,…
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July 9, 2012
Cat owners are more prone to suicide
By Riot Fest / Archive / editorials, cat lady
Feel free to take this moment to train your cats how to use the toilet. Buy them opposable thumbs, teach them to squat, take all…
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July 5, 2012
Congrats on being a cop. But, no gun for you.
By Riot Fest / Archive / editorials, cops
Sure, police officers are known for their impeccable donut tasting palette (cop/donut joke #3786372), but they’re also known for carrying that massive utility belt with dozens…
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July 3, 2012
Did you know it was 775 degrees in Baltimore the other day?
By Riot Fest / Archive / editorial, editorials, this heat
Yup.
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July 2, 2012
Feather dusters bring men happiness. Um, what?
By Riot Fest / Archive / editorial, editorials, vacuum
Goodbye typical man stereotypes… you know, the one where all they think about are food, sex, porn, sex, sleep, sex, food and once again, you…
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June 27, 2012
Want a pair of gym shows that will remind you of slavery?
By Riot Fest / Archive / editorials, slavery, sneakers
Thankfully, slavery is dead in America. That ugly part of our history has been demolished, abandoned, destroyed… until Adidas came along and had to rehash…
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June 26, 2012June 6, 2017
Remember that one time a squid inseminated your mouth?
By Riot Fest / Archive, Food / editorials, squid
It’s one of the best meals—a fresh batch of seafood prepared and served to you on the same day it was caught.  The lightness and…
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June 22, 2012
Man gambles away $1.5 million due to ATM error
By Riot Fest / Archive / editorials, atm, gambling
Oh the joys of having cash dispensing machines available on every street corner. They’re quick, convenient, and give you cash when you need it. There…
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June 15, 2012
Put the Sugar Down—It’s Making You Dumb
By Riot Fest / Archive / editorials, sugar
Remember when your grandparents told you how drinking lots of soda and eating sugar will rot your teeth? Turns out it can also make you…
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June 14, 2012
Best sex of your life
By Riot Fest / Archive / editorials, best sex of your life
Sex is a natural part of life. Sex brings two people together. Energy, warmth, and passion fill the air. The sweat, deep breathing… wait a…
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June 13, 2012
Boozing keeps bedbugs away
By Riot Fest / Archive / editorials, bed bugs
Researchers at the University of Nebraska have shown that begbugs are more likely to keep away with the higher alcohol content in your blood. They…
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