Riot Fest Horoscopes – Week of July 16, 2018

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Don’t worry paying bills this week, it will all be over soon.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Clean out your refrigerator, it’s disgusting.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Learn how to get gum out of hair, this information will be very useful for you this week.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Take time out of your busy schedule to stop and smell the roses this week, unless you’re allergic to bees. That’s what you get for wasting time smelling roses when you should be working.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
If you don’t go to Riot Fest this year you will regret it for the rest of your life…

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You should adopt a dog or a cat from an animal shelter. They’ll be your best friend for life, and let’s face it, you really don’t have any friends.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
The phrase “better to fart and bear the shame, than not to fart and bear the pain” will take on a whole new meaning at work this week.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Punk rock isn’t dead, but after listening to your iTunes playlist your coworkers are starting to think it is.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It is very important you find a copy of Gleaming the Cube on VHS this week.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It’s not all bad news this week, you can still do a lot with 8 toes.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
The phrase “I think I can hold it” will come back to haunt you this week.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You may not believe in an afterlife, but after what happens this week, you probably won’t be making it their anyway.